存在

我第一次接触到 “存在”的这首歌是在看〈中国好声音〉时，当时觉得这首歌还蛮感动的，不过更喜欢汪峰那既摇滚又细水长流的版本，让我感动得哭了。可是，真正把这首歌深深唱进我心里的是G.E.M.。那种歇斯底里的情绪一直环绕在我的脑海中，挥之不去，不过更喜欢她的“我要我们在一起”。

话说回来，我真的很喜欢写这首歌的人（后来才懂是汪峰写的），把那些为梦想而挣扎的人描述的多么生动，带出了生命与梦想之间的牵绊和矛盾。

太爱这首歌了！J

多少人走著卻困在原地
多少人活著卻如同死去
多少人愛著卻好似分離
多少人笑著卻滿含淚滴

誰知道我們該去向何處
誰明白生命已變為何物
是否找個藉口繼續苟活
或是展翅高飛保持憤怒
我該如何存在

多少次榮耀卻感覺屈辱
多少次狂喜卻倍受痛楚
多少次幸福卻心如刀絞
多少次燦爛卻失魂落魄

誰知道我們該夢歸何處
誰明白尊嚴已淪為何物
是否找個理由隨波逐流
或是勇敢前行掙脫牢籠
我該如何存在

*附上了一部份歌词。

A Life-Changed Decision

Yeah everyone! I had finally made up my mind. I will be an engineering graduate officially in August 2014. 

This is really a difficult decision, as BEng graduate (3-year studies) from University of Nottingham Malaysia will not be accredited by Board of Engineer Malaysia, they only accredited 4-years engineering programme. Well, basically ONLY Malaysia, it was accredited by all the other countries around the world. However, this might be an issue to Malaysian engineers who work in certain companies in Malaysia. 

I already had a glimpse of thought to end Chemical with Environmental Engineering with BEng in Year 3 during Year 2 in UK. However I was too busy and too happy with my life, indulging in the relaxing life without even want to think about it. Is this actually an illusion? An illusion in different communicating, teaching and learning culture, which I am better in coping with it rather than my own country. 

Well, when I resumed my life in Malaysia in Year 3 which I was feeling excited to study air pollution and water treatment that I thought I can learn some practical stuffs and knowledge. In the end, NO, they are some other general , fact-learning modules like those environmental modules in previous years. Although I cannot deny that I did learnt knowledge about it, but not as much as I expected. Moreover, what I expected in "Chemical with Environmental Engineering" is more like 50% and 50% proportion, but till Year 3 it is still almost 90% Chemical Engineering, most of the environment portion are those not-really-practical environmental engineering stuffs.

Is this because of the stress of design project which makes me quit? Well, it is not 100% true. The stress comes when you are doing things you are seriously not keen on it, at least to a person like me, yes. It makes me realize that I am not really into that. I recall the innocent me who always going excited over environmental stuffs since secondary school. Although my aim is clear to enter the environmental field since foundation, however I had lost myself in the happy study life, until it becomes not happy this year LOL. I re-discover the true me, which this course in UNMC cannot satisfy me. So what is the point to continue with something I don't like and get myself tortured and stressed? This year is a year which I cry over academic studies in my whole life. Yeah, I am NOT HAPPY.

The more I am exposed to engineering industry, the more I feel that chemical engineering is a job with responsibility almost as great as doctor and lawyer, which can affect human's life or even take thousand lives in 1 go, no matter you are a process engineer or a design engineer. Although my admiration towards engineering grows over time, however I am not confident enough to be one of those great engineers. Anyhow, I am proud to be called as an engineer.

In addition, I already make up my mind not going to be only an engineer my whole life. There are much much more to be explored in the world, but who knows? Life is unpredictable. 
If after the year-long Global Internship Programme that I am planning to sign up, I feel like working, then I work; if feel like studying, then proceed with MSc. Human's thinking and personality will grow and change over time. If the company I enter wants to sponsor me to study MSc for accreditation that is even better. Or if I have opportunity to be in the music field (which I think is not possible), I might just wave bye-bye to engineering. 

I am not looking forward to become a successful and "big" person. I just want a stable and happy life with stable income while doing things I like. I don't need a big house, don't care about having any "dream cars", what I want is a happy life with my family, friends and future-soulmate-to-be and to travel around and meet new friends.

When you find that the route you are on is not what you want anymore, go back to find your true self. Instead of regretting what you had chosen along the way, go back, let your life turn zero, and depart again to the most suitable route. Although there might be obstacles and struggles, at least you are determined enough to do what you want. Although there are some routes that you like very very much but you are not able to achieve it (my 1st passion is music), at least choose your 2nd passion. 

Life is really really dull if you do things you don't like.

LIFE IS UNPREDICTABLE. 
Who can predict the future even though if you continue with the proper route?
Your future only holds in your hands, be responsible to what you decide.
Even though it turns out not to be good, bare the consequences.

~Be true to your heart if you can~

希望我能在平凡中，活得不平凡。

**P.S: 
Daddy, I might not be able to realise the promise of buying you a Lamborghini anymore.
I have chosen a non-smooth, insecure future.

** Please ignore all the grammar mistakes, I just wanna write randomly and freely to express my feelings in a simple way :)